One was about the death of my parents' friend, a guy who used to come over to our house with his then-wife every Christmas Eve. That he was tied to my childhood. And was also, of my parents' friends, the one I sort of had a tiny crush on. He was a medical researcher (who according to his obituary, actually played a role in developing a vaccine--not this most recent one of course). So we talked about that a bit.

I developed feelings for him, and it seemed--I thought--we had some sort of emotional connection. I gave him some poetry I'd written about him at the end of the year. He signed this long note on my final newspaper talking about how I was one of his "special students" and that I was one of the people who made the world a better place just by being in it. Note that nothing physical ever happened.

That October, early into freshman year of college, I made an attempt. I mailed letters to various people I cared about before I did it (this was when email was in its early stages, texting wasn't a thing yet). So then I had to call them when I wasn't successful, telling them not to read the letters (he'd given his home number to me ages ago). When I called him and told him, he told me to never call his house again. Which crushed me.

I said one thing I was struggling with was a note I'd written back and forth to my best friend at the time, who was also in journalism. Where I mentioned he'd kept me after class at the end of the day one time because I was feeling really down, and I cried in front of him, and he talked about what was going on in my life, like maybe I was doing too much? And said I could just sit there as long as I wanted (like just the two of us in the classroom after hours. And my friend had written back saying it was "just weird" because when she was in a really bad place a year or two earlier, when her mom wanted to send her to live in another state with her dad, he never kept her after class or tried to comfort her. And she mentioned how it sounded like he was "manipulating me" and in the note, I didn't understand. But now I get it...

And then there was a note in there that I never gave her where I said maybe a mutual friend was right about the teacher, how during class that day, he'd put his hand on another girl's back and played with her hair for a minute then sat really close to this other girl in the journalism class, and gave me a weird look.

I told Dr. T I wasn't sure how to reconcile all that in my mind. Part of me wanted to believe he genuinely cared about me for who I was. But...I said to Dr. T: "Would he have also acted that caring toward me if I'd been an 18-year-old boy?" I was crying during much of this.

Dr. T said I sounded conflicted. That it seemed part of me still wanted to just believe he cared. I said I wasn't sure if it was better to believe that or to accept that he was a predator. That I wanted to believe I'd been cared for. But then it also felt like I had become too much for him to handle, that it was my fault he told me to go away. Which made me think of what happened with ex-MC. Where he cared until I seemed to be "too much."

Dr. T looked visibly uncomfortable at my sort of tying this into ex-MC. He said with the teacher, the sense he got was that he was doing these things, like maybe feeding his own ego, feeling young women were attracted to him. But that he didn't realize the effect it could have on them and me until my attempt and phone call. And then he freaked out and just got away as fast as he could. Instead of dealing with what happened and accepting his role in it.

I said maybe it was ultimately better for me to think it wasn't my fault. And then, crying, having trouble looking at the screen, I said how I felt in some ways with Dr. T, I'd been trying to make sure he was safe. Dr. T said it seems I feel I have to meet certain needs of people so that they won't abandon me. That I shouldn't have to feel that way.

I said how I know, with our relationship, that I have to pay him. He said yes, that's the transaction of the relationship, the payment. But that he tries very hard to make sure I know that's the only thing he expects from me. That he's there to support my mental health, in exchange for the payment. That I don't need to worry about whether I entertain him, whether the session is interesting or if it's challenging. That he isn't looking for anything else from me, like trying to get other needs met. I said I appreciated hearing that.