I don't think we have only 2 choices - forgive, or be eaten up with a festering grudge. I want to offer a 3rd choice. Unless someone is knocking on your door, begging for your forgiveness, why do you have to even worry about forgiving? I reject this notion that we can't have peace, until we forgive. Peace comes from investing your mental energy in things that matter to you that you can do something about.

If I read you right, you pronounced forgiveness toward a bunch of wrongdoers . . . and you didn't feel one bit better. So you tried that.

Who are these people who are telling you to forgive, forgive? When do they give you this advice? Is it when you have shared with them what wrongs you endured and were wounded by? Here's my translation of what they are really saying. They don't care about you forgiving. They gain or lose nothing from that. What they really mean is: "Stop repeating to us what we can not do anything to change." They don't really need you to move on. They are letting you know that they need to move on. Sooner or later, they will move on . . . and leave you behind.

Sometimes we have someone special in our lives who will listen to our pain and even let us describe what we went through over and over. Generally, though, that gets old. We don't want to wear people out by making them listen to our heartaches described repeatedly. I think that's what people really mean when they tell us to move on. They've listened. They've empathized. Now THEY are ready to move on.

If you need to talk out your pain further, you have to find the right place to do that - here at MSF, or with a therapist, or clergyman. Be aware that you may be feeding mental energy into something that might bother you less, if you learn to switch the channel, when painful memories try to claim excessive space in your head and in the heads of those you spend time with.