I had planned to travel far across the country to visit my sisters after the pandemic simmered down. I hadn't seen them for a long time because I was caring for my dying boyfriend. He's gone now. When airfares get more reasonable, I feel free to travel. (I've gotten fully vaccinated.) Lately, I've gotten concerned about how this trip is likely to go.

One of my sisters gets kind of moody when she drinks. Two nights ago, I phoned her, and we didn't talk as long as usual. I sensed she had probably had a few glasses of wine. She seemed a bit distant. Last year, when I traveled back with my boyfriend's body - for his funeral - I stayed with her. The second night I was there, she got drinking and became kind of obnoxious and belligerent. I left and got a hotel room. I'm still kind of shocked that she would become hostile toward me, given that I was freshly bereaved. We reconciled and she became very sweet.

For a year now she has encouraged me to come back again and stay with her for a visit. For all these months I've looked forward to doing that. Now I'm asking myself, "Am I crazy?" I don't want what happened last year to happen again. I tell myself that she and I probably both learned something from that bad incident. But she's blown up at me a number of times over the years. Then she is often quite remorseful and we go back to being affectionate friends. Often we both apologize.

For days now I've been worrying about this trip I planned, and I'm getting really depressed. I also have another sister a few hundred miles from the sister I just described. I would be staying with her for a bit also. She's a much more stable person, but we're not exactly all that close. (We seldom talk on the phone. She prefers texting, which I think is a little odd.) Over the years she used to be kind of judgemental toward me. Specifically, she has criticized my struggles with depression, telling me I just let myself get depressed. Years ago I stopped ever mentioning my problems with depression to her.

So that's my dilemma. What I spent a year looking forward to now seems like I'm taking an emotional risk going back there to visit. I'm getting very disheartened. It so happens that, right now, I'm in the midst of a depressive episode. I don't report my episodes to either of them.

I don't know what advice anyone can give me. Any feedback is welcome. I'm starting to cry now just thinking about all of this.