The last few hours have been awful. I just called that national crisis line. I felt so anxious and despondent that I wanted to talk to a human being. I was breaking down crying like I was starting to get hysterical.

That hasn't happened since last August when I got hospitalized for 8 days, due to grief over the death of my S.O. I wasn't looking for a trip to a hospital today . . . just someone to talk to for a bit.

It was a pretty quick call. Once they figure you're not a danger to anyone, they tell you to go use your coping skills. I hate being told that.

What has me upset is I feel weak when I get up to do anything. I don't know why. I don't know if the main cause is physical or mental. They reinforce each other.

I go next week to see my provider. She can order some labs. I've had severe anemia in the past, due to a bleeding ulcer. I don't think that's the problem now. When my stomach ulcer opens up, I get severe pain. I haven't had any GI pain.

I'll go in the kitchen now. Try to find a snack. Maybe I'll make a drink. I don't do much drinking. But I need a mind-altering substance.

I come on here because the people in my life that I could call are not good to talk to when I'm in a bad state. I end up hearing all their troubles.