Thanks brneyedgrl, my head knows I'm tough (thanks Mom for giving me such a great foundation of self respect!), but my heart is truly breaking. Every day that goes by, I am forced to admit to myself yet again that this marriage is not going to work, and this time next year, our family will be split up.

I look at my amazing, gorgeous, awesome, gifts (my children), and it hurts me to the core to know that I am going to have to walk away from the father they idolize. They cry when he leaves for work, ask me all day "how long until Daddy gets home?", and yet I know that staying with him for them is not the right thing to do.

My heart also breaks every time I stop and think of the marriage I had for a short period of time (although it wasn't based in reality it seems), and the love I thought I shared with a guy I truly believed to be my soulmate. All the plans we had, all the dreams, all gone in an instant. What's so hard about my marriage coming to an end is that I really didn't see it coming. Last time he went looking for an escape "cyber/phone fling", we were separated, andour marriage was in trouble. This time, we were closer than ever (I thought), and excited about the arrival of our new blessing, and it was outside stresses and frustrations that sent him looking for an "escape". It hurts almost as much as if fate took him from me in an accident, only it was his choices that led to this.

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face, feeling so lost and angry and hurt, and I just want to feel like I did 14 days ago...full of sunshine, laughter and hope.