Sometimes I’m afraid to get better because I'll lose my T and that means I will lose the only thing that makes me feel like I exist and am real and need people, which makes me feel human and connected.
Therapy is the closest thing that approximates my idea of what it would feel like to be loved and cared for. I don’t know how to feel loved or worthwhile w/out being sick.
Before I got help I was completely separated from people emotionally. I didn’t need anyone. I did NOT EXIST. I honestly thought I was not human and had no soul. I am TERRIFIED that will happen again if I get better. I will be COMPLETELY ALONE again.
Intellectually I know my fear is illogical but it feels so real. I am worried about mentioning my feelings to my T because she may think I'm not trying to get better or worse that I'm faking it because I want her attention.