This is the most depressed I've been in months. Being depressed always blows over for me. I have to keep that in mind. It's like getting a bad cold. I always recover eventually.

In a few days I see my "provider." I don't think I'll confide much. She's not a shrink and won't get too involved in psych issues. They have psych services where I go for healthcare, but the quality is poor. Accessing them would just make me more depressed.

I guess I needed my boyfriend as much as he needed me. Being his caregiver was a lot of work. Yet, I loved being with him. His illness just made us closer. I wish he were still here. But he's not. I thought I had gotten past the worst part of grief. I think I have. It's just that right now feels very lonely. That can change, if I make the effort to change it. I have to get out of staying so secluded.

I need to expand my circle of social contacts. The people that have been around me this past year mainly drain me. I've done my share of meeting other people's needs. It's been the story of my life. They don't understand that I'm depleted. I'm starting to not return phone calls. It's just someone looking for a shoulder. When will it be my turn.