Thank you so much for your words, Comrade. Yes, it does feel very pointed, and we will be having a frank (I hope) conversation about it on Tuesday. If it is as I think, and she is not retiring but just closing private practice, I will be making sure she knows that I feel that is the wrong decision. That she should wind down her clients naturally, as they come to an end, but I do realise she isnt bound by my inner parts moralities.

The adult in me can see that she has every right to change jobs, move cross country, do whatever the hell she wants, but that she just has to do it in such a way as is as careful and gentle as possible, and (apart from letting me know by email) I do think she is doing that by giving me time, and helping me to see options.

But yes, it does feel like she is walking out on me. On my Teenage One. Just as that part of me was ready to come to her. Just as that part of me was ready to open up to her. Bad timing all round really, but she wasn't to know any of that. She will on Tuesday though.

And I am sure she will also hear my "why bother" voice. She will hear my "there's no point" voice. I am sure she will sit with me in that for as long as I want and need, hearing it, acknowledging the hurt this is causing me, seeing the struggle it is for me.

But if I really want to make the most of the time, maybe I do just keep going. If we were really on the brink, why not continue and see where it takes us.

I don't think that five months is enough to fully resolve it, personally. To determine whether or not I want to confront my abuser (who is still very much in my life), to come to some resolution between the parts that hate him for what he did to me and the parts of me who love him for who he was, who he still is and the relationship we have today. To open up to my family about what happened and to learn to tie that all together. I don't think five months is enough for all of that, personally.

There's still a sliver of me that says "if I work hard, if I prove we are making progress, maybe, maybe she will consider seeing this journey out with me" but I won't know if that is a possibility until Tuesday.