*part of this might trigger*

I am wondering how to get past trust issues, especially early on in a relationship...

Very early on in a previous relationship, I was sexually and verbally abused. The way that I was degraded was really bad and hurt my self-esteem. I did not leave the relationship soon enough, because I felt so unworthy and held onto the crumbs of affection I would sometimes get.

Now, if someone were to hurt me, I have really bad thoughts about retaliating in some way. Part of this is because I would feel like an idiot for allowing myself to get in that position. It caused a lot of anger. My relationship afterwards did not work out either due to some emotional abuse, and then when my partner tried to work on himself and make up for it, there was emotional infidelity that shattered me.

Now, I am in a new relationship and are developing the same thoughts where I feel angry that the abuse that I went through left me like this. In certain sexual situations, I feel triggered, although it is enjoyable. Emotionally, I feel so afraid to trust him though and feel I would snap if something went wrong. I also have streaks of jealousy and possible Borderline traits. I also get fixated on saying the wrong thing and have ruminating thoughts where I go over it in my head over and over with fear my partner is mad at me.

I question if I will ever recover from this. I've been in therapy before, but the one therapist that I liked the most only takes Medicare now. Plus, I am ashamed to open up about certain things. On top of that, my manic highs and lows complicate things. Today I am really depressed, but I also have racing thoughts.

Any advice on where to start with trusting someone and getting past intense fears of abandonment, or can anyone relate?