I'm having a bout of depression that is getting serious to the point of making it hard to even get out of bed. I want to talk about it with someone, but I'm afraid.

When I've had really awful episodes of depression, I tend to reach out for help. Often that starts a "chain" of referrals. Everyone I approach wants to send me to someone else. Professionals do that. Even friends and family do that. I find myself thinking, "Why can't I just talk to you?"

If it's a relative, they start worrying that maybe they should send the cops to my door. A friend once said to me, "Why don't you go talk to a priest?" I called once to speak to a priest, and he said, "Sorry, we have no counselors on the staff of this parish. Why don't you try calling other churches?" Once, when I mentioned to my father that I was having a difficult time, he said, "Why don't you ask God to help you."

Once, when I was in a partial hospitalization program, the psychiatrist there said "Why don't you start going to AA? You mentioned that you drink." (I was never a big drinker.) Everyone wants to refer me to someone else. If I'm talking to a counselor, I might get told, "Why not reach out to your family for more support?" If I mention being depressed to a close relative, they are apt to say, "Why don't you go get some professional counseling?"

When I've felt very troubled emotionally, I've found that everyone I approach seems to think the best thing that they can do us to urge me to "go get help" . . . from somebody else.

I see my primary care provider on Thurs. (She's a P.A.) I want to tell her that I've been quite depressed lately. I just want to talk with her briefly . . . maybe increase the dose of my antidepressant. I'm so afraid she's going to refer me to the psychiatric clinic. If I go there, the pdoc may want to refer me to a counselor, (which would mean going on a long waiting list to get one.) If I get a counselor, that person will likely say, "You need to ask friends and family for more support."

I don't want to be passed around. I don't want to run that gauntlet again. Been there, done that . . . too many times.

I appreciate anyone here that can offer any encouragement.