...and don't know what to do. It feels like my entire life is crumbling down. Don't have a job, running out of money, seem to be stuck in some weird relationship limbo, feeling very alone & socially isolated, no idea what to do with myself, or even where to start.

Obviously, I should be looking for a job. That seems logical enough, right? Only I don't know what to look for any more. I've always been one of those people who never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I still don't know. I've worked in a few different kinds of jobs, and I just can't seem to find something that fits.

My most recent work history was working in nonprofit IT management, and I've essentially burned out on that -- in my experience, it's a pretty thankless job. Plus, I don't actually have any formal training or qualifications, though I seem to have something of a knack for understanding technology and how it works, and have been messing around with computers off and on for nearly 25 years now. But learning by trial-and-error is fine if you have the time, but it's not particularly efficient.

I've also worked in graphic arts a bit, and figured out that I'm just not creative in the right way to make it. I'm a fairly good technician, and can do production and layout stuff pretty well, but things never really worked out for me in that sector, either.

Also, I've done the secretarial/admin assistant gig, even did a few years as an executive secretary -- I suppose I'm competent enough, but it's not really something that appeals to me. Or maybe it's the places I've worked and/or people I've worked for. That's pretty much the case for all my work experiences, overall.

So work-wise, I don't know where to start looking. I know I have some things I'm good at, others that I'm just okay at, and then there's all the things I totally suck at. So I know enough to stay away from anything that involves sales, for example. But I can't seem to put it all together in a meaningful fashion. And now I'm stuck. Don't really know what I'm good for. The fact that my memory doesn't work very well any more isn't a help, either.

So that's the work issue. Which leads into the money issue. Since I'm not "making a job of looking for a job," I quit claiming unemployment benefits, since it'd just be a matter of time till I'd have to actually justify myself to the Dept. of Labor. So I've been living off my savings (thank goodness I actually _have_ savings, but only thanks to a couple unexpected gifts from my dad), and as I see my savings account diminish more and more, I can't help but think about what will happen if/when I get so low on money that I won't be able to pay rent, etc. Then what? I don't have anywhere to go, really. But it doesn't look like I'll be able to stay here, either.

And that leads into the relationship issue... I've been in this relationship for a little over four years with a man whom I love and care for more than I can even express, and he actually reciprocates the feeling! It's amazing. But (of course, there's a "but")... it's difficult. We've gone from seeing each other 2-3 times a week to maybe once a week. And we rarely get to spend "quality time" together when we do see each other. It's really tough. It doesn't help that I've been having a really difficult time coping with everything else that's messed up in my life, and that I only have one other friend in the area, but I don't see or talk to her very often either, and I suppose I get a bit needy with him, which he has a hard time with (understandably, I suppose). But to me, it feels like he's just not there when I need him, and that just adds to the pain.

Though he's said he's in it for the long haul, and I also feel committed to be with him for the rest of our lives, we've never really discussed any future. Not that I've been the sort of person who actually tends to believe in a future (sorry, but I was actually convinced I'd be dead by the time I turned 20 -- what a surprise when one day I realized I was 24!), and he's a bit the same way, but especially now I'm in a place where I need at least the illusion of security and some reassurance...

There's also a lot of complicated personal history that goes along with all this, of course. But I'll spare everyone those stories for now...

So that's where I am right now, wherever that is. The psych/emotional/mental issues I seem to have are sending me into really dark places... Since I can't afford to see a therapist or p-doc (or any doctor), and can't get any help/advice from the two people who still talk to me, I'm spilling my guts here, in the hope that maybe someone might have some little bit of insight or something... Anyone?