I tried talking to my mom. I mentioned wanting to be in a php or iop. My anxiety is so bad. But she thinks me being in a program will delay other things like therapy, my surgery, and getting back to work. She said after we come back on our vacation she’ll find me a new primary, a gynecologist, and a kidney doctor. My primary doctor had told me my kidney disease could be making my mental health meds not work.

But she just wants me to get through until our vacation which is on Tuesday. So I just have to get through today and tomorrow.

She also says I’m bored since I don’t work so everyday is the same for me besides sunlight and sunset

I get where she’s coming from though even if she doesn’t exactly understand. She’s always been my biggest supporter but she still doesn’t get the whole anxiety thing. She gets the whole trans thing but after 15 years she still doesn’t quite understand the anxiety part.

I found out today my old vet died. She hadn’t been working since Covid. I liked her but I’m not really phased by this since I hadn’t seen her in about 2 years.

I feel a lot better after taking my 20mil Geodon. I thought taking that plus 2 80’s would be too much at night. So I tried going without the 20 for a couple nights. But things were too bad today so I just decided to take the 20. I took a Valium along with it and I feel much better. I think if I take the 2 80’s at night and the 20 in the morning then things will work out.

I was on 2 80’s when I was 15-16.

I took a couple melatonin hoping to sleep until 6 or 7 when I can take my night meds. The melatonin worked but only for about 35 minutes. And now I feel even worse anxiety wise then I did earlier.

My mom got me some lunch meat with my own money when she was at the store. Claimed she wouldn’t give any to my sister. I made my sandwich before they came over so she wouldn’t see it. now of course her and my sister are both eating it. Why tell her about it when you said you wouldn’t and she doesn’t know it’s even there?

My mom is supportive and all that but really. Why not just buy some lunch meat for the both of them while she was at the store. I don’t want to be *****y about it because then she’ll feel bad.

I’m in major need of a Valium and probably my lamictal and propalanol too since it’s been about 24 hours since those.