It sounds like you are saying that you need more validation than she feels able to give. She has given you some, what she can, but not enough.

The reason, if I understand you correctly, that she can't give you the full acknowledgement that you deserve is that it would draw her attention to how devastating she was to the family--not intentionally, but it would be very hard for her to face even so.

Are you saying that she does feel sufficient gratitude, does recognize what you do, but isn't able to express that?

A particularly galling part of this is the energy she has for others. One perhaps wonders how can she have so much energy for others but not for you?

Maybe she does have that energy, but it feels too frightening to spend it in a way that brings her face to face with the devastation. Maybe it's emotionally easier to spend the energy elsewhere.

What sort of validation (if any) do you get from a therapist?

I notice the use of the passive voice here.

Why do you suppose that she is doing better? No doubt that by far the biggest reason is YOU.

So I have a suggestion fwiw.

How about if you write out everything you have done to support her, your family, those around you, during her illness?

Write this out in a lot of detail.

And then: take five minutes every day to reread that. And when I say reread it I mean slowly, carefully, envisioning what you are reading in your mind's eye.

Like it was a sacred text.

If your kids or wife are around at that moment, look at them as part of this process.

You wouldn't have to get through all of the writing every day, after five minutes simply take up where you left off on the next day.

I would propose doing this religiously every day for, say, 2-4 weeks.