I feel like my brain did a little snap thing again. I am having paranoid thoughts again. I am afraid to leave the house to go to the gym. I'm afraid the gym is a dangerous place. I was talking to my therapist from the program and toward the end I just all of a sudden became extremely anxious to the point that i was fighting back tears in the next group. I'm trying to identify a trigger, maybe ending the session without really resolving anything? I don't know. I know i've been overwhelmed for days, which is what led up to my first major breakdown back in april. I am trying to beat this one back and remain at least partially in reality because i absolutely cannot go back inpatient. My son can't handle it. I can't hurt him again like that. Besides, they can't do anything for me anyway. I'd get shuttled back to the same unit and the dr would take me off the meds that are working and put me back on some ******** like lithium.

I spent most of the time in process group writing safety statements. Writing I am safe and variations of that several times. Writing self-confident statements such as i am strong and i can fight back if i need to. I am safe around people. etcetera etcetera.

I'm just so scattered. There's so much going on in my head i don't know where to start and i'm running around in my brain trying to stuff everything back into the box it came out of and i can't. it's already out there. i need to be present in my actual real life that's going on right now.

i am going to force myself to leave the house and go to the gym. It will help me. i don't know if i'll be able to go to the grocery store though. i need to attempt.

I am also reminding myself that so far, voices are not too loud and grating. that is a good sign. it hasn't completely devolved.