So, I had my session with my counsellor today. I don't think I am going to be able to convince her to extend past her cut off date of December. Sadly. Though I have asked, and will probably continue to ask. It's unlike me to stand up for myself, but therapy has taught me to do this much more!!

I had written a ten page thing for her to read. That's generally what I do when I have things to say. She was sat at one end of the table and I at the other, as far as I could physically get, basically, on the edge of my seat facing away from her. I heard the struggle in her voice at several points. I wish I had turned to look, turned to face her, turned to see her emotion about the whole situation. But I didn't. I was stuck.

She kept stopping to address certain things, though I don't remember a lot of what she said to be honest. I know she did try and explain why, a little. She was very very hesitant to do so, but she did. Some of it made sense, some of it made no sense at all, at the moment. Maybe I'll understand with a little more time.

I had written some words in there that have never been spoken aloud, I don't think. Certainly not by me, to anyone, ever. I have only recently been able to think the words, and then in the last few months to be able to write them down. She gave a voice to them today, about what happened to me when I was younger.

Up until this point I was feeling nothing, I would say. But I heard those words and I started crying. I've only ever released silent tears in the five years we have worked together, but today, she asked if she could come and sit next to me and I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. Shaking, gasping tears as she held me. My head, cradled in my hands at first and then on her chest as she held me until I calmed down.

Tears for the past and for the present, I think.

We have agreed to continue, for now. To see what we can do in the coming months. God, that's all it is. A maximum of five months. And that doesn't include any holidays either of us may have. It really doesn't feel like it will be long enough.

I have begged her to see. To just see how things go. To not tell me that December is a hard and fast cut off. To at least consider having some sort of natural ending to this.

I don't know if she will consider it or not, but she has honoured my wish not to tell me that her kind is made up. At least there is still some hope there, for now.

The only thing I couldn't get my head around is that she kept saying she wasn't walking away. That she wasn't disappearing. But she is, or at least, she will be. I do wonder if I need to hear her say that she is. Not yet, but at some point, for her to own that somehow, I don't know.

Anyways, it was a long session. Two hours in all. We were supposed to have an hour and a half, but she stayed with me as I felt all of those feelings, and she helped me to come out the other side of it, so u could go about my day safely, and not in a bad way.

One of the reasons I am struggling with this ending is because I genuinely believe that I won't ever find anyone like her ever again. My T is a very, very special human being, and I guess maybe all the giving has just got a bit too much for her. Not in a bad way, but in that with everything she has going on in her life, she is ready to take a step back. I can't blame her for that, I guess I just have to make the most of the next few months and then figure out what to do from there.......