Yes! I don't think this is about permanence for me either.

Sure I'm afraid she won't come back. She could get sick/injured, die, abandon me, etc. I have those fears in general because I've experienced those things. There's also the possibility that she might move. And these fear are amplified when she's away. But that's a different kind of anxiety than separation anxiety, for me at least.

I think for me, it very much has to do with object constancy. The longer her vacation or the farther away she is, and especially not having any contact, creates a fear and longing that can feel unbearable. The fear is that she won't be able to hold onto me. I guess it's me projecting my issues onto her. I have difficulty holding onto her.

This is all so hard to define for me.

I am getting better though. I able able to hold some images in my mind. I can hear her voice of certain phrases. The transitional objects help. And her emails help.

It's just so painful when she's gone. And I want to explain it to her the best way I know how. Not to manipulate or change anything. I mean it's therapy. This is where you're supposed to process and explore feelings. This is what helps you grow, at least for me.