Quote:
Originally Posted by Motts
Please don't take what I write below personally as it's merely to learn more information about your friendship with this 86 year old man. I can't advise you without first asking for more information that I believe will help me see the big picture.
1. Who befriended who? How did you two become friends?
2. Are you friends with him because he is "safe" emotionally and psychologically for you? That is to say, b/c he is elderly with his health problems, so he cannot really "hurt" you other than his criticisms?
3. What is mutually beneficial for him and you about being friends with each other? How do you each bring something positive to the other person in this friendship? What do you offer him? What does he offer you? Why are you two friends?
4. What would happen if you ended your friendship with him? What would happen to you emotionally? Psychologically? Would you have anxiety? Would you view yourself friendless? Is he your only friend?
5. Have you ever asked him why he criticizes you? Have you ever set up the boundary with him, that you will leave as soon as he starts to insult and criticize you? Or do you stay with him while he's mean to you and enable his behavior with silence?
I think this is a situation reflecting your choice of no boundaries with a man who is clearly toxic to your well being. You have not written how he improves your life, as much as you've written about how he hurts your feelings.
You claim you will not end the friendship with him despite his criticisms of you. Knowing that, I don't think it's advice that you want. I think you just needed to vent here about it, which is totally fine. Next time, just write "vent" in your post title.
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1) He befriended me first. We met at a church I was going to (I longer go there). He wasn't something I was looking for in a friend, being older than me, but I was friendless at that time. This happened about 10 years ago.
2) I've known him for a while and he knows me. At first, he was in better shape than he is now plus he wasn't as critical. He was a little bit at that time but not nearly as much as now.
3) I guess it's because, between the two of us, we are all that we have for each other. There's no one else like me in his life, though he has a few casual friends. He's all that I have, but I have a few distant friends. The biggest benefit to me in his friendship is when I feel like I'm in trouble, he can comfort me. Lately I've had some concerns that are too hard for me to deal with alone such as health and financial. He has given some good advice for me.
4) I have split up with him a few times, but we take each other back. He calls and says that he misses me a whole lot. And then I have had some difficulties so he seems to be the only one to turn to for it. Although I will have to say that, during the times when we had split up, I was able to sleep better.
5) The answer to that one is because he feels like he's trying to make me a better person. He's trying to be like a "Dad" with me, I guess. He has a son and daughter who are far away from him. So maybe he wants someone to be like a Dad to. I have hollered at him quite a few times and really got mad with him. I've told him many times that I don't like him criticizing and what he had said offended me. But he doesn't get it and recently he told me that he refuses to stop the criticizing.
Overall, I want to replace him but it's been difficult for me to make that happen. I don't make friends very easily and I've done all of the "getting out there to meet others" and it didn't work for me. So I hope the question has been answered. This is very difficult for me.