I'm having a hard time containing my frustration.

Here is the loop. For a loop to end, one of us has to make a change.

Yesterday we talked, and I shared, openly, vulnerabilities I have. I grew up in an alcoholic home. I had a LOT of responsibility from an early age and often felt like I was in over my head. I clung to people, hoping someone would intervene at times. She knows this. I told her, the repeated threats to leave me incite a ton of anxiety and make it hard to NOT be defensive.

I also told her, during her depression stretches (years), she said a lot of big, bad things about me, and still does at times now that she is recovering. I am vulnerable to this. I feel deeply defective. I need some positivity and reassurance to undo those things in between.

We talked for an hour, and we TALKED. It was good.

Later, watching TV with youngest kid, and she says she doesn't feel well and wants to go to bed. Me and kid say goodnight and keep watching TV. 30 minutes later she comes out, angry, that me and kid are still up. It's ridiculous, it's late. OK, kid also sleeps really late because there is no morning schedule at home (I didn't say that). I was to blame for the late night, and for not working with her to have time in the evening. I said, we never talked about that tonight. She said my actions indicated there was no possibilitiy of it. She said there was no working with me. I apologized several times, said we would prioritize a change and went to bed (separate room).

At 1AM she wakes me to tell me we don't have a future together and there is no working with me. She wants separate lives. When I say, "No one read it that you going to bed because you didn't feel well meant the night was over for everyone. You could have said something different to alert me to what you wanted." To that I was told I'm way too defensive.

I said, You woke me at 1am to tell me we don't have a future together, and you voice that I am too defensive? I just told you this is a vulnerability for me. I've said it for years, but said it clearly from an emotional place tonight. I'm not yelling. I'm not angry. But I'm also not solely to blame for kid being up late either.

THAT became, "The list of my faults and errors is so long. You don't ever stop. You don't ever let up. You're too defensive to talk to."

Holy. Crap.

I don't think she is manipulative. I think she is mentally ill and broken.

ANYTHING I say that counters what she is saying is regarded as an attack and "tearing her down" and "treating her like an emotional punching bag". So.... I keep a lot of stuff to myself. Then she says there is no emotional connection.

Last night I thought about how much I wanted to stay married. Then I suddenly asked myself, "If I won the lottery, would I stay married?" That.... Is very hard to answer. I don't know that I would. I think I like my home and lifestyle more than anything right now.

But, I also believe love and marriage is a choice. And "in sickness and in health" matters for mental illness too.