I am going to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week for consultation on meds. (Currently I do not take psychoactive meds.) At my T session this week I raised the issue of some symptoms with him that I've never discussed before (although he's figured some of it out--yeah, they're smart, these T's), and he says they are similar to those of adults with ADHD. The conversation was really interesting--we discussed medicines that can help with these symptoms. He made me feel OK about the possibility of taking meds and even of possibly having ADHD, like it was not a personal failure of character.

I've never talked about meds with him before, probably because he has helped me so much just through psychotherapy and also because I had a bad experience with my first counselor on this topic. When I raised the possibility of anti-depressants with her, I had been depressed for a long time and was at rock bottom and barely functioning. She was very negative and told me she wouldn't work with me if I took ADs. The way she said it made me feel bad about myself and ashamed, so I didn't try to get help from drugs after what she said (I felt like I couldn't go against her and she was the therapist so she must know best), plus it is kind of in my make-up to always try to "do it on my own" so her judgemental reaction played into that. I can still hear her saying when I inquired about ADs, in this very pissy tone of voice, "Oh, so that's what you want, is it?"

Anyway, I felt none of those bad and ashamed feelings talking with my T this week. It was a great discussion and since I have quite a bit of knowledge of the biochemistry of the brain due to my job, we could really get down to talking molecules! When I took Buspar for anxiety last summer for 3 months (I never told T about that until this week, because inside I think I had this fear that he too would think ill of me if I took meds ), it didn't really help with my anxiety but instead had all these other great effects, basically eliminating what I now know to be ADHD symptoms. It was great!!! (I stopped taking it because it stopped working.) We talked about why that drug would help the ADHD-like symptoms, even though it is intended for anxiety, and I came to a greater understanding of what might be going on in my brain. It was a sweet discussion.... I shouldn't have been so phobic about talking about drugs with him before. It has been one of the last taboo topics between us, and I didn't really even realize that until we had the discussion. It has taken me a couple of months to work up to this with him.

Anyway, he has referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner who can prescribe meds (she is also a trained therapist and does psychotherapy). He says she is great, that's who he sends clients to for meds consultations, and she knows a lot about adult ADHD. I talked to her on the phone and she's really nice, plus she returns calls right away! (T, you could take a lesson there. )

So I'm starting off on a new path. I'm not sure if she'll decide I have ADHD or not (or maybe still some depression or anxiety?), but if she can help me with the ADHD-like symptoms, I would be so much more functional. I see her next week and am keeping my fingers crossed.