I hope you do have an attorney of your own. Your husband is a very tricky guy. You need good legal counsel about exactly how you will be financially impacted by each of the options you are looking at. Your husband is aggressively trying to have his cake and eat it too.

Yes, you do have to make decisions that you hate having to make. You say he "refuses to do anything." That's not true. He is doing everything and anything that is exactly what he wants to do. He's doing plenty to try and have his life and finances be just the way he wants them to be. This guy plays a hard game, and he takes a long view of how things will affect his future. You need to do the same. This is not about trying to keep him from "winning." This is about you keeping what is rightfully yours. The only "consequence" he cares about is holding on to as much of the wealth of the marriage as he can. After 21 years, it's time for you to claim your share of the assets with a finality that stops him ever cheating you out of what should be yours. You may be overlooking shenanigans he's capable of thinking up down the road. That's why eskie, above, and I say make sure you get legal counsel that isn't biased against your interests.

As far as not wanting to "lose him forever," what do you honestly think you can hold onto? A housemate who comes and goes as he likes and goes off with whomever he fancies? A guy who demands his way or the highway? A guy who gives you a "timetable" for getting over betrayal? The arrogance of this man!

His having an affair is not the principle reason I urge you to let him go. As I said above: some couples do get past unfaithfulness. But he's pretty much telling you that he is going to live and operate as a free agent going forward. Believe him.

You're almost a year separated and already moving through the divorce process. Certainly a couple can change their minds and cancel a divorce. But he gives you zero reason to halt the divorce process. If you did, he'ld see you as weak and able to be manipulated. He'ld treat you even worse over the next few years.

At age 37, cut your losses and give yourself a chance to live with some dignity, free of this man's cruelty. There is more than an even chance that you will find another relationship. Do not make the mistake of following the path of least resistance.