[sigh] I apologize in advance for this long story, but I think you will all want to hear about it.

It started with everyone's posts to me, and I'm not placing blame or anything, really. They just made me feel bad, feel guilty, and that made me mad. Then I got to thinking how I had to listen to my T call me constantly and how I "had to answer or........". I called his office Thurs. morning before he came in and said "all bets off.....stop calling me, no more". Told him if he wanted to talk to me about the message, fine, let me know - otherwise no calling to check up on me. I went to work and it was so dead quiet. My T called and left a message saying that he could see me at noon, if I could make it. It was so quiet that my boss let me leave early and I got there at 12:03.

Try to realize when I went in there, I was so angry I could have strangled someone.........I have never been like that with my T before. I apologized in advance and explained what had ticked me off. I had put my blade in my purse, and I had my meds.........and I opened my mouth and just spit out angry words at him, like "why wait till then, maybe today so you can stop calling me", etc. It was ugly - I was a ****** to him, but I was also angry. He asked for the blade and I loudly said no several times. He wanted to know what I was doing and I told him that I had to fill out orientation papers for my new job and told him where. Then he wanted to know where I was going after that.........again, my temper kicked in and I said I have no clue. Then it was "are you going to hurt yourself before dinner".......I wouldn't promise him in any way that I would be alive by the end of the night.........I was just so pissed and tired of being pushed. Told him that I had never asked for his concern, and why should I keep going just because he wanted me to? What about my rights.......what Mary Alice wanted? Was he like everyone else that didn't care, because his goals of keeping me safe wouldn't be met then? Yes, I was on a roll and just kept blabbing.

I left and proceeded to drive over to my new job site......and noticed something. A police car was pulling out - no big deal yet.........I turned and it turned........then I knew what he had done to me. Sure enough, she blocks my car in and proceeds to ask me to sit in the front of her car and talk to her. IN PLAIN SITE, IN FRONT OF ALL THE MGRS (WHO HAD ALREADY BEEN NOTIFIED TO CALL 9-11 IF I GOT IN THE STORE BEFORE SHE STOPPED ME). I was in shock.

To speed things up here, I ended up being transported to the hospital (same one I had my surgery at 5 weeks ago), with a couple of officers. I couldn't go to the restroom alone - they were in there with me. Talked to a bunch of doctors and then they called some crisis intervention line.........between all this and what my T was saying, I was told that I was staying in the hospital..............but I had 2 choices. First, to volunteer to check myself in and leave ONLY when the doctors on staff said so (otherwise they would hold me with an ED, emergency detention). Second, I say no to staying, officer arrests me with cuffs for resisting arrest and disorderly. I go to the jail, get booked, and then go to the state mental hospital. In the morning I would have a court hearing about the length of time I would be stuck in the state facility and then they would have a hearing on how long I could be committed........plus all the hassles of dealing with the court system. Wow, what a choice, hmmmmmmmmmm.

I picked option #1 and signed a voluntary admit form and get checked in.........put on Sucidial Watch #2 - checks every 10 minutes, nothing in the room at all, bathroom locked at all times, and normally just a mattress on the floor. I did get a break because of my surgery, they let me have a bed instead of just the mattress. Plus I was put in seclusion and "restricted".

Then they brought in this woman who was yelling so loudly, and banging her head into all the walls and screaming. She was in cuffs.............cops had to come and hold her down to medicate her and keep her quiet. This is who I was supposed to be sleeping next to..........NO WAY. I asked ever so nicely for a diff spot and got one, thank goodness. Course my normal room I wasn't allowed into because of my restrictions until after the staff meeting in the morning. I did not sleep last night at all. I had to call home and him and Alex brought some stuff up for me - searched of course. Alex cried when he had to leave and I had to stay.

They turned on the light every 10 mins to check and if I had the sheet over my head, they whipped it off and felt my pulse...grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am so NOT used to this and the bathroom room guard. Then at 5am this morning, they take 3 tubes of blood from me.

I got a shower, and finally had my meeting with the staff of about 6 doctors. They were going to wait and talk to my T.....who btw, called late last night and asked me how I was doing.........OMG. He said he'd be by today and talk to me.

When he came this afternoon, I was just getting done with therapy classes (mandatory as a patient) and listening to alot of strange ppl in that place. The door is always locked and you can't go outside or past the nurse's desk. I was pretty sure that I had convinced everyone that I was fine, and that it was simply a mixup and from an argument.

Then my T arrived and we talked for 2 hours. Some good, some bad..........on one level I do understand why he did it, but it doesn't change the hurt or sense of betrayal. I don't trust him, and as far as telling him everything - NOPE, no more. All this time my car was sitting in the parking lot by my job (which I figured was gone). I was supposed to have worked this morning and couldn't. That mgr. is pissed now and is considering not promoting me now - because I am unreliable. I really didn't want to tell her I was on the psy ward.

Bottom line, after over two hours, my T agreed to release me tonight - the other doctors had already said I could, like I figured, but the decision was up to my T. My husband brought my car to me and after I had dinner, I drove us all home.

Alex is so upset that he refuses to leave to go on his overnight trip, so that is cancelled for him. I will be getting "phone calls" all weekend to check on me, and I have to show up for our appt. next Wed. where we can work on some more "plans" to keep me safe. I gave him my word that I will not cut anymore, and that I would not end my life - he has me backed into a corner here and that angers me as well, and I told him so. As far as how I am, it is "I'm fine" works really well. The worst part is I still care about him - if that was gone, so would I. I don't trust him anymore though, he killed that right away.

I called the new job today and thank god I still have the position, and will do paperwork on Monday at 3pm......then I work from 8 to close at my other job here in town. The store mgr. knew of course and wanted to know if things had been worked out and if they could help at all, and if it was done with. I told them if it is all cleared up and that I appreciated their offer.

OMG, what a day and a half that was. Send all email thanks to my T........lol. I hate having other people decide my life for me, but I used to it. He really isn't different than anyone else at the bottom line.

Night all, I am so completely exhausted and in pain........plus I started my new meds yesterday and by today had really kicked in - nerves on edge, felt like they were pulled so tight in my arms........shaking. They gave me a Lorazapem which helped alot.

Mary Alice

At least I'll have company back in bed with me tonite and all the kisses from the herds.......lol.

Soooooooooooo tired = slap happy

Mary Alice