You're not wrong.

Getting validation through therapy is kind of like paid emotional prostitution. You get, from therapy, what you aren't getting in your marriage. "My therapist says I'm a good person. My therapist helps me feel good about myself" Similarly, getting validation from friends co-workers, etc. is problematic, because people see how much I do, and say things like "she's lucky she has you". It tends to drive the point home that things are one-sided. This is what I was referring to when I said therapy can reinforce the negative, and even external validation on this topic can reinforce the negative. Even having the kids see this stuff is hard to manage. It reinforces, to me, how one-sided things are. It's nice to be validated by my kids. BUT, them actually seeing and validating, creates a "dad vs mom" situation. Them feeling negatively towards their mom is not what a chronically ill depressed person needs. It hinders forward movement.

This is really hard, and has been for a long time, and when I say I feel stuck, I really feel stuck.

What gets me with all this too, is that my wife has told me for years now, that I am emotionally unintelligent (exact words). That is such a punch in the gut. I try really, really hard to be emotionally aware for me, for her, and for the kids.

If you haven't lived with someone who is at their emotional bottom, it's hard to explain. I have said self affirming things during times she was angry at me, things like, "I'm a hard worker, and a good and committed father. I'm a good person." That becomes a fight topic, because me saying that implies that I think she isn't those things. Even self affirming comments become an issue, and are regarded as either excessive defensiveness or a personal attack.

One thing I will say for myself, I'm not emotionally unintelligent. I'm not emotionally unaware. I'm human, and the times I got things wrong it was never intentional. I have never played emotional games. I have never tried to injure anyone, ever.

Last I'm posting on this one for a while.

Thanks everyone for the support. Thank you for the insight. Thank you for letting me talk and vent and rationalize. If you were here I'd hug all of you.


RDM