I could use any encouragement that anyone can spare because I can't seem to get into a positive frame of mind on my own.

For weeks, I couldn't keep up with basic household chores. I'ld wash a few dishes . . . then feel like I just had to sit down. Up and down, up and down. After a little bit of effort, I'ld want a rest period. I can't remember when I last vacuumed the place. Lying down felt so good, and I stayed in bed a lot.

I figured all this "laziness" was depression. Oddly, I hadn't felt that despondent. My body seemed depressed way more than my mind. Well, a week ago, I could hardly carry some bags of groceries from my car into the house. It felt like I barely could walk. So I went to the hospital. Turns out, I was so anemic that I needed a blood transfusion. The doctors figured I must have internal bleeding somewhere in my gut. I went through tests (scopes) which failed to reveal where I was losing blood from.

After I got the blood, I felt a hundred times better. Now, back home, I have to catch up on all I neglected for weeks. Turns out I really had been too physically weak to keep up with stuff. But now, I should be alright for awhile, physically. Trouble is - I feel very depressed mentally.

I don't know how long that transfusion is going to hold me. For a few years now, I keep becoming seriously anemic over and over. (This was the first time I actually needed blood.) So I've got more tests to go through. It's probably just a matter of time before I'll need I/V iron again. As chronic health problems go, this isn't the worse ailment to have. People deal with way worse issues. Somehow, though, I feel so defeated.

A year ago, cancer took my boyfriend, after years of his being very sick. I was lately dealing pretty well with the loss. I thought I was done with hospitals for a while. Then I end up spending 5 nights in the hospital. Now I feel very alone without him.

I feel I have nothing to look forward to but being alone and watching my own health start to decline. That's depression talking. I can argue against that dreary outlook. To believe anything positive, I have to make myself get up and straighten out the disorder all around me. If I catch up on stuff, I will feel better.

I feel like going back to bed. That's the wrong choice. I just don't seem to want to try to help myself.

I guess this will blow over eventually.