I am out of my mind with anxiety today, so much so I’ve become physically ill. I am trying to stave off a migraine and I am very nauseous. I’m trying to regulate my breathing and remain grounded in the present as much I can.

It was kicked off by a dream I had that brought memories rushing back to me of a particular psychiatric treatment I never want to do again. Not because it didn’t work but because it was terrifying every time because it involves general anesthesia which freaks me out. I always felt like I was never going to wake up. The farther away from the last time I had it I get the more I never want to do it again no matter how bad of shape I’m in. I’d really prefer to never have general anesthesia again unless I have to have surgery. My back surgery was also terrifying mostly because of the anesthesia involved.

I’m looking in to creating a psychiatric advance directive that will explicitly state that I do NOT give my consent to this treatment even if I am deemed incompetent to make my own decisions. I’m going to talk to RS when he gets home about being my named health care advocate so he knows what my wishes are should I ever become incapacitated. I just have to find out how to make it a legal document in my state.

I also don’t want to be reminded of my most recent IP stay which I felt was forced upon me. Technically I went in voluntarily but only because I felt backed into a corner and felt if I did not agree I would be committed against my will anyway and then I would have even less power. It was one of the worst IP stays I have ever had because the feeling of being trapped was suffocating. The facility was nice enough but I was so anxious and tense I felt like I needed to just run for miles and miles and I could do nothing more than pace my room.

I finally gave in and took Xanax and then an hour later took a little more because it wasn’t working at all. I think I can feel my heart rate slowing a bit now.