Thank you LonelyInmyheart. Thank you. Devestating is the right word for it. She came out to see another client to her car and saw me sat on the grass. She came over and sat with me for 10-15 minute. Though to be fair I was still in shock I think so am struggling to remember it. When she said she had to go I asked for a hug. When we let go she looked at me in the eyes (something we have very rarely done as I struggle with eye contact) and said "I love you too".

I have emailed her asking her to consider, if not now then after a break, having an ending with me. I told her I understand if she can't do this work with me, but that I can't believe this is the way it ends. Despite her saying that she loved me it feels like I was literally pushed out of the door, it was shut behind me and locked as well. I am just confused. Confused and hurting. On top of the grief. The grief would have been bad enough.

My first reaction was that I refuse to pay someone else to help me come to terms with this. For several reasons. But actually I think you might be right. And I think you have a really valid point about accepting that they won't be my T. There is no-one quite like my T, and I told her that today.

I have been in tears all day. Sometime proper bawling, gut wrenching, screaming tears (which is so unlike me) and other times just teary. I haven't eaten more than a couple hundred calories all day which again, is very odd, and I know I should, I just can't stomach food. I feel so sick. I don't want to do anything except see my T again.