Comrademoomoo, thank you for seeing my pain. It really means so very much that there is a place where people do understand on some level.

I wholeheartedly agree that I should have my five months. And my final (of four, oh dear) emails said that I need to have that. That if she thinks I deserve better, then give me better, basically. Not now. Not with all of this going on, but one day. When she feels she can. I don't think I will get it, I really don't, but I do feel like I need to fight for it. I do feel like I owe it to the parts of me that were just entering into this work to at least stand up and protest at this. To fight for what we believe we need.

Honestly, u don't know what the answer is myself. I keep flitting between thoughts and feelings. I keep changing my mind and my viewpoint. I don't think that there is anything called ideal now, sadly. I think that ship sailed a while ago.

I'm not furious with her, though I understand why others might be. Like I said to lonelyinmyheart, that brief interaction helped me to see that now isn't the right time to do this work. It helped me to see that she does need a break. It helped me to see that she can't be who u need her to be right now.

The sad thing is, I think her supervisor is appalling at deep relational work. So many things that she has mentioned about her make me feel that way. To add, she doesn't talk about her all the time or anything, but we will definitely get our fair share of 'my supervisor said' or something like that.