RDMercer,
I didn't read the whole thread yet, but as for your thread OP...
Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer
She went through periods of true depression and I received a lot of verbal anger.
*I don't want to, or intend to speak poorly about her. I know she gave me 110% of the reserves she had, but she was tapped out for a long time., almost 10 years of crippling illness. I couldn't imagine the life she had. *
There were also things I really screwed up during these times. She DIDN'T get the emotional support from me she needed. I did the physical things that had to be done, but failed to look after her emotionally.
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All this frankly sounds to me like you bought her self-absorbed narrative. A narrative, that focuses on her emotions, her feelings and ignores yours. Not good in my book.
Here's an alternative narrative:
She went through periods of depression where she did not seek professional help for it and expected you to play therapist too. She did not give you 110% of the reserves she had, because she was always more focused on her own comfort. Her illness was not comfortable but she could have had it far worse without your long-term and very fundamental support. You did not fail to look after her emotionally, because no one can realistically take care of their spouse if the spouse is depressed, because the person with the depression needs to take responsibility and go get professional help and improve themselves using these professional resources and not expect loved ones to do it all for them instead of they themselves doing the hard work of getting better psychologically and emotionally. You maybe can't imagine the life she had but that's a triviality, because we cannot totally be in the shoes of other people.
My advice. Don't buy into her drama and emotional exaggeration with dressed up adjectives for effect anymore. These words are dramatic, self-absorbed and you should stop buying into it:
- "true" depression
- "she gave me 110% of the reserves she had"
- "she was tapped out for a long time"
- "almost 10 years of crippling illness"
- "I couldn't imagine the life she had"
Quote:
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I was emotionally unavailable to my wife, I KNOW, because you have to bottle your emotions to get through something like we went through.
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Again, stop buying into her narrative on this. I highly doubt that you've been emotionally unavailable to her. You seem to have normal empathy skills. Stop letting her guilt trip you on points you seem less sure about. Your kids are giving you much better input than her. Much more reliable, objective, factual input that takes YOUR person into account too.
Instead of her self-absorbed drama, pay attention to actions. Pay attention not to her words but to her actions. Your course of action will be clear then.
Quote:
I, literally, cleared her throat and kept her from gagging on her tongue more than once, and went to every doctor appointment with her for years. You can't do that, and work, and be the Dad, and be emotional.
Now she is flowing with positivity and life for everyone else.
My lingering desire for validation is really wrecking us now. I've been so bottled up for so long I can't talk without flooding with everything.
RDMercer
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No wonder that you can't talk without flooding with everything, reading the whole OP together and the rest of the thread (that I've read so far).