Hi everyone. I've been struggling with self harm thoughts and suicidal thoughts for a few days. It got a little better after I cancelled my trip to my sister's which sounds bad but there's just so much stress there and then there is stress in the actual trip of getting there and such that I decided it was better not to go. I feel myself going into a dissociative almost catatonic state. I know I am protecting myself from this pain I am feeling.


I haven't acted on the self harm thoughts. If I make it to Sunday 7/25/21 I'll be at 18 months clean. That would be a good thing. I know if I self harm right now I wouldn't be safe. I was looking over my crisis plan and I've done all the steps up to going to the ER so I know that is the next step but the ER is so unpredictable about what kind of mental health help you'll actually get. When I am suicidal and at the ER I don't end up hospitalized. When I'm there for self harm I do end up hospitalized. I don't want to self harm just to get hospitalized but I think hospitalization might be the best place for me but I know its not that simple.

I do have the next two days off of work so I can rest and recuperate and recover. I talked to my T on Monday, my case worker yesterday, my former T today and I made an appointment with a second psychiatrist today but that appointment isn't for a month. Just to basically get a second opinion on my meds. It's my case manager's idea. I've exhausted my support people. My parents are like, we haven't seen you this depressed in a while. I just want to sit and stare at the wall or something. I'm having trouble doing my work at work. Luckily I have like an hour and 15 minutes left.

Just could really use some support today. Kit