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sarahsweets
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Default Jul 21, 2021 at 09:36 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jelzig65 View Post
Hi, First real in-depth backstory. I hope you will stay with me here.
My family history is one of toxicity and emotional neglect from both parents. My self esteem today is very low. I fear rejection and abandonment. I have specific phobia that I can't quite pin point, but there is a pattern and layered with depression when I'm sinking and not coping.

Last night 15 hours ago, I did shadow work on insight timer, lead by Catherine Leggit. I had confusion trying to link my current trigger with a painful memory that I think is linked with this specific phobia.

My father when I was about 12, told me with smug pleasure that I would amount to nothing, and that no man would approve of me. I had so many serious moments and situations of emotional neglect.

This did something to me as I absolutely have specific fear of successful males. I feel like they zoom in on me under a microscope and find flaws and mistakes and because I am possibly visibly anxious, their own self reaction confirms my belief, I am amounting to nothing and I am not good enough.

I become fixated and slightly obsessed with trying to prove otherwise, but only within myself. I have never divulged to them. But I never get anywhere mentally, just a confused anxious, depressed person.

Currently this is forced to sit in my mind. I have a 24 yr old daughter who is physically very beautiful and on the autism spectrum. In public , neurotypical people would think she arrogant. She really shuts down in public and just gets the bare necessities done. If she can do it without talking she will.

She has no clue of non verbal gesture or language. She can't read non verbal intention either. I am still in the grief and loss stage for my daughter, no first boyfriend, no prom, no first kiss, no friendships, no job.

I feel this would increase as she got older when people her age do have a mortgage, house, car, spouse, kids and jobs, it would be so blatantly obvious and more grief for myself. I think she is somewhat happy in herself. I encourage her to do the weekly shop at the supermarket with me, there is one staff person who openly and obviously panics when he sees her.

The look on his face is one of dread and fear. I know some years back when we checked out our food items with him for the first time, he made a moan sound, it was a surprise sound, he had not seen her til that moment and from that time on to now, he will find ways to not be in her proximity.

I am a super sensitive empath and to me his emotions are all on the outside of him and times he has to check out our groceries his eyes are screaming fear. He makes me really anxious and I used to be able to cope better than recently. It feels offensive, when he reacts that way, and like the people in our extended family and associates of family, look straight through her, like she is not even in front of them.

They dont even greet her. They dismiss her, which is sad, because she is responsive, people just need to want to get in her world a little closer. I may have had a idea that a friendship could have formed between my daughter and the supermarket guy. It is affecting my life to a degree where sleep has been a struggle and eating. I am slightly obsessed with it all. It affects me mostly not my daughter. She is totally unaware. Thankyou for reading and I hope to get some insight and advice., would be very valuable for me. I am very concerned about why this is so much in my mind.

I certainly don’t want to put down a therapeutic relationship or experience but I do know that shadow work can be considered controversial simply because it’s been based on jungian theory. I don’t know much about the person whose courses you took. I also know that it can be dangerous for some people to try and reframe a trauma or look for the trigger without the help of an actual therapist. Just a thought. My other thoughts are what kind of therapies and help did/does your daughter receive ?

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Thanks for this!
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