Crappy day at work. We were down two people (we were 5/7) and then we got about twice as many requests to help as we usually get. It was my fourth day, so I don’t know how anything works or where anything is or how to use the weird phone-based pager system etc etc.

The thing that really got me was my attending (W) snapping at me. She asked me to page someone but it turns out that particular person can’t be paged directly. I asked her if she could help me troubleshoot and she said yes, then changed her mind and said, “let me finish this quick note first.” Fine by me. But the other attending (S) notices that I’m stuck and says, “chihiro, can I help you figure this out?” So I start explaining to S what the issue is, but W interrupts and says, “chihiro, can you just be quiet for a few minutes?”

I was flabbergasted. I wasn’t even effing talking to W! I start saying, “sorry, S was showing me how to do the thing,” but she says, “there’s just too much noise in here” (it’s a big workroom and two of the PAs were also discussing something). So I shut up. S apologizes (which also annoyed me bc S is our site director foe the hospital and I would have expected her to stick up for me). And I wait a few minutes until W can show me how to page the person.

I honestly felt like crying. Which is weird, because I hardly ever cry (or get choked up) and am used to other doctors snapping at me for various reasons. But also not completely insane because people in this specialty are known for being nice, and I just wasn’t expecting it. It’s one thing if I’m girding my loins going into an interaction with someone, knowing I’m going to be screamed at. But it’s another if I think I’m in this warm fuzzy environment and am effing trying my best but don’t know how everything works yet (b/c it is my fourth day on the job ffs) and I get smacked like a disobedient puppy.

I recognize that other people wouldn’t be upset by something like this. I wish I weren’t. But here we are.