I suppose this post of mine might fit better in the "In Session" thread but I don't mind putting it here.

Think T fetched me like 40 minutes late. I know she would give me extra time if I need too, but I do worry a bit about other clients well-being. That prior person must have needed it, and I hope she will be ok. T said she would be, so that did help a little.

Sometimes I feel bad (including when I run overtime, that's why I asked her for a 5 minute till session end warning) because objectively I genuinely understand, but yes, it stirs up stuff from my past. Being the afterthought child, being the one expected to raise siblings and soothe marital discord, the one held to far harsher standards, the one who was always last, the invisible one, the one who had to be "good" because I'm a burden and my siblings need more of already very scarce care. And I feel ashamed of myself for that.

Session was good overall, I feel. I don't remember everything because dissociation has been really strong and frequent. My vortioxetine is suppressing alter communication which isn't good in my books. I remember T saying I have to weigh pros and cons and I wrote a note to myself I rather reduce the dose even if that means depression again. I see my pdoc in 5 weeks.

And T initiatied by asking how I'm coping with the situation my friend (whom I live with) is in about getting more disabled and unable to afford treatment. That was caring, so I told her how I'm trying to help emotionally and practically, and a friend and her girlfriend offered help with groceries. She went into hospital this morning and her previous recent stay was incredibly bad.

I think I expressed frustration and overwhelm because everything to do with me moving to join my partner = I am doing all the research work. He admitted he procrastinates and is too apathetic to be proactive ever. So I have to initiate everything and even a scheduled talk tends to get postponed, and I need to give him specific tasks along with deadlines to complete them, or it never gets done. It's just so much mental load and I'm already bloody stressed.

T talked about increasing my behavioural activation, and I got frustrated since I already do everything I bloody can. She mentioned my desire to return to work and said I need to stick to my goals. When have I EVER not worked hard and instead sat or laid around wallowing? I'm not faulting her but she's known me so long, I feel hurt. I genuinely feel pulled around a lot and I struggle to focus but I AM consistently looking for jobs. A part of me feels maybe she's seen "the real me" my parents have always said I am. That I'm lazy and selfish despite working 50 hours a week for years and this awfully long recovery from the burnout. I basically listed how I'm keeping my mind open to unconventional jobs although my partner and I have very different opinions, and how I do my best to hustle for odd jobs.

I even asked her for Behavioural Activation ideas and I've applied those. Exercise every day, engage in meaningful activities. I've built my own structure and routines without input from her, I shaped up my sleep hygiene, I pretty much have a an organised life.

Then She mentioned maybe I should become more involved in my lgbtq group again (meaningful activity) -- surprise because a few months ago she actually encouraged me to do LESS because I'm overcompensating and my inability to rest isn't helping -- so I said I'm heavily involved and a good chunk of it involves emotional support for friends who are very vocal about their emotional distress but don't want professional help so I try to validate and listen and teach some coping skills. I feel guilty because 1 person has been talking a lot about leadership stress ever since I got too unwell to do event logistics full-time, and no one in the wider group has stepped up consistently.

Told her all that and she accepted my corrections though.

Rest of session is blurry but I know I cried an awful lot and I've so much shame over if my attachment to T is healthy or not, and how I'm terrified even after so long that she'll say I'm too reliant or dependent on her. And how I'm so ashamed that "old" trauma comes up again and I repeat myself, and so I'm not "moving on" like I'm supposed to. Plus how some topics (money, sex, religious abuse) are topics I avoid and talk about rarely because of how ashamed I am. She said something like I tend to get to the underlying problem with just 5 minutes left, so I quite frustratedly said I'm not doing it deliberately and I'm making an effort.

We agreed we need to talk about how my "main" problem is the level of toxic shame I feel. Basically I focus on the many trees (issues) in the forest and struggle to zoom out to the forest as a whole. So T had me write down the stuff about therapy that I feel ashamed of, and I'm not "allowed" (lol) to write explanations. So next session (2 weeks time), I'm to start with the first shame item there. And I've homework on writing down the pros and cons of my core belief that I have to "do things on my own", and if that's effective or realistic.