So I haven’t “confronted” my mom yet but I’m going to extend an olive branch and ask her to come look at the dresses and help me choose between them. If I’m brave enough I will ask her why she ignored my text and just take what she says at face value. If she says she forgot then I’ll just take that answer no matter whether I believe it to be true or not. I’m coming to a place of acceptance. My outrage was for how she treats my brother and how she occasionally treats me. But honestly I shouldn’t feel angry, I am just really sad for her. It’s obvious she’s never been happy in all her life. I think she was happy with my dad to a certain extent but then he died and any happiness she had died with him. She’s said a couple of times that she does not want to be saved should a life threatening event like a heart attack or stroke occur. She said we can be happy for her then because she will be rejoicing in heaven walking with Jesus. It’s just a sad way to go through life. My life was headed that way, I had passive SI for years, even when I was married to my first husband. Even though I’m going through hell right now I don’t want to die, not really. It’s just sad that she will never find that joy or happiness. I can’t really be angry with her for that.

I went back and forth today with anxiety. Around 1:30 I was planning on going to the gym but I was so anxious again I began to feel physically ill. I decided to head it off at the pass, take Xanax, and then go to the gym. I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried the elliptical machine. Holy. Hell. I’m super out of shape for that one! I can bike for 30-45 minutes no problem but I could only make it 15 minutes on the elliptical before I felt like I was going to collapse! I’m going to be so sore tomorrow! I felt like an idiot did just leaving at that point, I wanted to do strength training but I’m too nervous to try the machines yet. The only way I convinced myself to try the elliptical was by telling myself over and over that no one was looking at me, they didn’t know my fitness level, they wouldn’t even blink in my direction. And I was right! I’m going to try the same thing on at least one of the machines. I’ve found upper body workouts with dumbbells on YouTube but most of them contain a lot of exercises I cannot do because of my back problems.

I ordered a sunrise simulator clock that has nature sound alarms. The clanging of the iPhone alarms are making me so angry! They jolt me awake and I just immediately silence it. Not a pleasant way to wake up. I hope the nature sounds will be better.