I have been running all day. Well not me, just my mind. So wound up! I’m freaking out about the wedding. I hyper focused on it for the majority of the days, taking time out only for my appt with my program therapist and my dentist appt. I’ve at least put together a list of items that need to be completed for the wedding, and gotten some information on a couple of things. I spent a lot of time looking over the ceremony samples and elements the officiant sent me and copy/pasting a rough outline together.

I watched a couple of outdoor ceremonies to get an idea and I seriously am freaking out. I feel like I can’t do it! I just can’t go through a whole ceremony again, I can’t stand up there and put my feeling out for everyone to see! It makes me feel very vulnerable. If I could just go to the courthouse I’d love it but I do understand RS’s desire to have a “real” wedding. It’s his first and hopefully only one. I’m just scared.

It’s 12:25am but I knew I wasn’t going to sleep anyway. You know how some days you can just feel that you’re definitely not going to sleep? I knew around 3:30pm when I was still diligently typing away at my computer that I’d never be able to shut down. I’m 150mg of seroquel IR in the hole and not even a blink. And I don’t want to sleep, that’s the “problem”. If it’s a problem. Yeah maybe I’m just a tad on the hypo side but I know it will settle after a day or two.

I was told I am discharging from program on august 16th. I’m happy about that. I’ve come a long way since April. I think and hope that this time is different. I really feel like there have been fundamental shifts in my attitude and thinking. Like every other time I would get stable on meds and be fine for awhile but the faulty wiring was still there just waiting for the next chance to jump out. I think I am more prepared for it. And I’m more open to trying new skills every day and finding the right ones for me for different situations.

I should probably put on a sleep meditation or something to relax me. I really shouldn’t stay up all night.