There is supposedly a difference between suicidal ideation and suicidal intent. Obviously it's a lot more dangerous, and you are in more danger if you are actually planning suicide than if you are just thinking about it. I hope your notes are just your way of working things out, that is, processing things. I am a pretty high functioning bipolar 2. That does not mean that my symptoms never get really bad. However, like many of us, I got really good at hiding my disorder so I could work. I also just keep going if Im really sick, because doing things helps me climb back to recovery.
I have often wondered where the line should be drawn between ideation and planning. If my thoughts start to slide toward serious consideration, I try to get help by upping my T appointments, getting more exercise, talking to friends and relatives, working on more projects, etc, so I will get out of the danger zone. I dont know you well enough to say how dangerous your notes are-only you know how serious you are when you write them. However, I would urge you to do something safer when you are that frustrated, like working in a bipolar workbook or getting some aerobic exercise, getting out of the house somehow, etc etc. You can message me if you catch yourself writing one. I was a teacher for years, so Im pretty bossy, but glad to help. If this is any help to anyone, Ive always decided that if I took the same effort it would take to kill myslef in a way to minimize the emotional shock to my grown son (and Id have to convince my seriously workaholic multimillionaire brother to help my son and my two grandkids in the way I intend to do); and put that same effort into doing something that would help my situation, I might as well fight on as I always have. Right now, because I have a modest retirement income, I am much better off than when I had nothing for many years. I truly admire those of you who havent retired, to have made it though this covid mess. Huge hugs to everyone! I think most of us bipolars have experienced some really dark thoughts.