This will be triggering for some, I apologize in advance.

I've really struggled the last few months. Over the last couple of weeks it's gotten even worse. I have 2 dogs that are keeping me alive and going, but a couple of days ago I contacted a friend to see if they would take them for a few days to get them out of harms way. They can't go into a kennel because their shots are overdue. I was ready to be done with life but I did not want to take them with me.

When the friend said they would take them, I then paused and began to think a little more clearly about what all this means. I've gotten to the point where the 2 most important things in my life are no longer able to keep me going. I'm honestly not sure why I am still here. I didn't tell my friend the real reason and I've since decided not to pursue that just yet.

And that's led me to the question, why am I so much more ready to quit than fight? Why am I OK hurting the people around me and the 2 most important things in my world, just to be free of my pain?

I rationalize it a bit, but I don't have a good answer. I get that this is about ending the suffering, but all I know is that it seems I'd rather hurt my people and my dogs, than to fight even a little to keep going. How did I get to this point? I am not actively thinking about this today, so not in critical danger.

I know I should go see a doctor and a therapist, but I just can't seem to find the strength to do that. I am clear headed enough to know that I should, but not enough to actually go. I can be responsible enough to take care of my dogs, but not enough to take care of me.

I know this place doesn't get a lot of traffic for the threads like this. But does anyone have any thoughts? Please, I do need some help here.