Thank you @BethRags. I appreciate your response.

I know I don't want to hurt them or myself. It just seems like every time all of this gets a little worse. This is not the first time these thoughts and feelings have come up. I'm just getting really tired. This year has been hard because I'm 54 and my dad died at 54. It feels like my clock should just stop.

Thanks again. This isn't a breezy topic but I'm happy you responded. It did help.