OK, I guess I'll just write for myself. I spent most of yesterday doing things to poop myself out, so that I could sleep better. Lots of exercise, which made me feel pretty good most of the day. But by evening when I was winding down, my anxiety came on strong like it does. Like literally EVERY evening. And I ended up not sleeping well, if at all. I stayed up until midnight trying to let my body fall asleep on it's own rather than rely on melatonin. I don't know that taking more melatonin would have helped, my mind was just running full bore and would not stop. Just when I felt like I had calmed down enough, a very dark negative thought would pop up and my heart would race and I could not sleep. I'd also treated myself to a decaf coffee in the early afternoon. I don't know if there was enough caffeine to make a difference in my sleep, but I don't generally drink caffeinated beverages, so it could have.

As noted in my previous post, I was back to feeling suicidal yesterday afternoon and evening. Having no one to talk to didn't help. I have the suicide hotline programmed into my phone, so it's a push of a button, but I don't really want to go that route because I don't want the police at my door for just feeling suicidal.

Yesterday afternoon just as my anxiety was starting to take off I snuggled with one of my dogs for 30 minutes or so. She just seems to know when I need it and I love her for it. I'm going to hate leaving her behind, but I know she'll be OK. Hopefully with my brother. He said he'd take them, but I have no faith that he'll keep them or even keep them together. But I could be hit by a bus or a plane could drop on top of my place and my life could end at any moment, so any plans are subject to change anyway. I have to become comfortable with uncertainty and just make the best of each day I do get.

I learned a few things yesterday, that I hope will help me further today. Journaling should focus on the positives and as much as I don't want to do it too close to bed, I haven't been doing it past about 4pm, so I think doing it around 7pm will help get some of the last of the worries out of my head before bedtime. Exercise helps me feel good in the moment, but doesn't seem to have longer lasting effects. That may come with time though. I know it gets mentioned a LOT, but my crazy mind can override the benefits in a moment, so I need to focus my energies on my mind first. I've also been very lax on deep breathing, muscle relaxation and mindfulness, so I need to refocus on those.

Sorry to ramble on. This is about all I have left for support.