I can relate to the other posts about feeling trapped and tired of living

Papa bear loves me, but those who were supposed to love and protect me called me a ''burden'', a ''drain'' and even a ''bully''..... It feels like words are not safe. Someone might come and try to ram ''meds'' down my throat, figuratively if not literally. I'm allergic to meds, it's a real problem for me. I'm stuck in survival mode it feels, it's hard or sometimes impossible to feel joy. The doctors don't want to know, I don't blame them since they are ''wonderful people'' and they tell me that I am unworthy. They tell me I am a ''failure'' I don't care for them either, frankly. Who would, having been treated like that My ''dad'' also said how my ''mum'', who he abused and left was a ''wonderful person''...and I was ''nothing''.... he was a sex addict and a sociopath and told me that sex was disgusting and shamed me when I was attacked on a train by a group of boys when I was 16. That too was ''my fault''

My anxiety is horrible and I've been taking too many benzos to sleep (I'm allergic to the seroquel they prescribed a while back). The next two weeks will probably be hell. I must muzzle myself so as not to hurt papa bear.

Has anyone found anything that might help, severe anxiety, depression, not wanting to live, feeling trapped....

This is not about the situation in the world.