Well, I messed up. I relapsed. After 18 months of not self harming, I messed up. I'm feeling all sorts of feelings about it, anger towards myself, sadness, remorse, confusion, a bit of relief, worried about how my parents will react (I left them a note as I left for work this morning telling them that I relapsed). I know relapses are common and it's not something that I need to let spiral out of control. I'm trying to get myself into the one (incident) and done mentality. Now I gotta wear long sleeves for the rest of the summer while the wound heals. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm trying to dissect what happened so I know how to avoid it in the future.

Last week I was really suicidal and wanting to self harm but I didn't. I went to a thing at my Church that lasted four days instead. That helped distract me. Then Monday I needed support and I went to one of my support people and she was not supportive (in my opinion). I get what she was trying to do. She was trying to get me to not think about myself and my problems but think of someone else but she didn't explain it and I felt dismissed and unheard. And then I felt bad about it. Like I was being selfish to ask for help. Then that made me feel even worse about myself. That I wasn't worthy of help or that I've been too selfish all along asking for help. But I felt like I really needed it. And then I was dismissed and I just felt like crap and I went home from work and self harmed.


Now I have a big pile of emotions that I am trying to wade through. I feel somewhat dissociated which is nice. I can be distanced from it, but I know the dissociation will wear off. I think sometimes people misjudge me because I look okay on the outside but I might be dying on the inside.


Here's a win though: my self harm didn't need stitches. I'm proud of me for that. I showed some restraint. Actually it hurt more than I remember it hurting. And so I wasn't able to do so much. Plus I have a lot of scar tissue on my arm and it just wasn't working right.


Thanks to anyone who read this far. I might have more to say later. Right now I'm trying to sort stuff out. And I'm dissociated as heck.