I’m just hanging on today. My anxiety is pretty sucky and I’ve already taken a Valium. I gave the bottle to my mom the other night. So I can’t just take them whenever I feel a bit of anxiety. I’m trying to learn to just sit with my anxiety. Although if I were in control of them I’d probably double up right now. I think it’s just caffeine related anxiety. I woke up before 2 and I drank a couple sodas and then I got a couple iced teas so I could avoid being tired. I’m not tired. Just anxious.

Basically today is just the same as these last few days. Just waiting for some news. I hope I get news this week. It should be faster then last time since I don’t need to jump through so many hoops. The phone just rang but it was just the pharmacy about some meds.

The phone rang again 10 minutes ago and this time it was my moms friend. Every time it rings my stomach drops and then when it’s not the doctor I get flooded with a wave of anxiety. I’m just very on edge today. I had SpongeBob on again but I couldn’t even concentrate on that. so now I’m sitting in bed.

I kinda think a giant pretzel bun burger would make my anxiety less since I’ve been barely eating these last couple of weeks.

My therapist said yesterday that I seemed very fixated on death. I was telling her about Heath Ledger and how he was 28 the age I am and how I have had a lot of the same stuff in my system at one time that he had in his. I didn’t tell her I was S because I wasn’t. I didn’t tell her either that I tried multiple times to join the 27 club including the night before I turned 28. And how when I woke up on my 28th birthday I felt like a complete failure.

I mean, I’m currently not S or thinking about it, but I do get down sometimes that I never joined the club. I should probably mention that 27 club thing to her at the next session.

This is what my surgery will help with. It will make me an emotionally stable man. Before my transition I never thought about any of this stuff. I remember accidentally taking an extra Geodon in the summer of 2019 and I freaked out so badly for a couple days that I could have really hurt myself. Now I do worse without any thought.

I just took one of my Geodon 80’s. The one that I am technically supposed to take in the AM anyways. I’m out of my 20’s and i can’t get ahold of my pdoc. I had been taking 2 80’s at night but I’m spiraling a bit right now and I’ve already used 2 of my 3 Valium and I just needed something legit. Valium doesn’t really work magic the way people say it does. Most of the time it just goes right through me.