I feel really deflated these days… I’ve been working up to using my rowing machine every day (right now I do a 20-minute HIIT workout on it every other day), but I am so sore today. I my legs and hip flexor muscles really hurt. I cheated yesterday and downed a burrito from a gas station when I got home from work. I was just so tired and drained and hungry last night. I’d been so good for the whole day until that point. I don’t know my current weight because I don’t keep a scale in my condo, and anyway, the BMI is a crock of ****. I’ve been looking into outpatient eating disorder programs, but I’m incredibly scared, because my previous experiences with clinics have been dreadful. The first clinic was fine until they got a new nutritionist; then they started posting pictures and advertising programs there that were horrifically triggering. Like, blatantly so. The second one was all about body positivity, which is great of you look like a model like all the counselors did, but I am not 5’10” and 120 lbs. and never have been in my life. Plus, whenever I would say how miserable I was, my counselor would snap, “That’s your eating disorder talking; I’m not gonna talk to your eating disorder, I’m gonna talk to you.” Like, what the ****?! What does that even mean?! So although I hope I find something in the Denver area, I’m very nervous about it. More than anything, I just feel like I should be further asking in my recovery than I am. I’ve been battling eating disorders for 25 years. I feel like I shouldn’t still be like this.

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