i don't think journaling is just for positive things. writing about your pain would be even more helpful, anything to get it out of your mind. life can be hard. you said you saw a few therapists but none seem to have really helped. sometimes, it takes a while to find the right one, and sometimes you can find happiness from a different route. what about talking out loud to yourself? that way you don't have to wait for a therapy session to vent. or even try punch a pillow or scream into it for whatever happened to you.

i struggled for years with depression and never thought i would ever feel better, but i finally do. i looked into my past and sorted things out myself. you must want to live if you have the suicide hotline on speed dial. i hope you will keep giving life a chance.