I would go, for just this one thing, with the sensible part of your personality that is telling you to find low cost or free counseling....the tortured part of you is a part that hurts and that black hole will just get bigger & bigger..............

I know what it is to need at least the illusion of some security and a touch of reassurance.......you write about a complicated personal history and psych/mental/emotional issues, perhaps if you express these things more here, we can help you truly get to the bottom of all this, here is the best plave to do so, especially if friends are limited and your relationship leaves something to be desired...we care, here, and I think my story is similiar to yours, and my issues are similiar to yours, if only I knew what they were and/or how to help.....