My parents and grandparents lived in the rural mid west of the US, living on and growing up on farms. My grandparents during the depression, my parents through WWII and Korea. Things were tough. All of them very much had the attitude of keeping your head down, doing your job, not complaining, just feel fortunate that things aren't worse. While I had happy times with my family, they were always tempered with some sorrow. Like all of them wished things were better but they were afraid to say it. My dad had depression and maybe anxiety. Hell, all of them probably did. My mom's dad completed suicide. My dad was not a happy person for more than a day here and there. When he was away with my mom, my brother and I stayed with my dad's parents. They were the most "stoic" of the lot. They were never happy and rarely ever talked about anything but how things were when they were growing up. I almost know more about their childhoods than about my own. All of my grandparents and aunts and uncles are like that. So, while I was cared for, it was only enough to give me a place to be and the basic necessities. It felt like my life was on pause, waiting for something to happen. And then it was over with no explanation and I was expected to just get back to life, without answers.

I've looked into childhood emotional neglect and a lot of that resonates with me, but the idea of helping my inner child just seems so foreign. I have essentially been living a similar life to when I was a kid. Doing enough just to get through the day. I don't have have any hobbies or interests or goals or dreams. They all seem so out of reach, and why even reach for them if life is going to end before I accomplish any of them. So, I'm in a holding pattern waiting for the end. And I know that's a terrible way to live, I'm living it. That's when my anxiety will kick in and remind me of being a kid with lots of questions about life and not a single answer or even a person to ask. Without living through the depression (sure a few recessions) or any major war (except all of them over the last 20 years), I've turned into my parents and grandparents. Living their unhappy lives waiting to die, without ever thinking about whether it's what I want.

I know from a logical perspective that there is more available to me. That I can be happy. When I picked up my current female dog, I had a moment of total clarity and unimaginable joy and love. I still fondly remember that day, 10 years later, because it's so wonderful. I know those times are there, I've had a few.

Thanks again TerryL, you've been a great help and I appreciate your support and questions.