Having released the pain of a memory of a moment in my life on friday, I feel like that block has now been released and free to allow more of T's caring to fill me..

I remember as a young child my adoptive mother having a nightgown that I use to adore seeing her in, the smell of her body, the shadow of her naked body beneath the nightgown and all this filled me with love for her.

I remember my adoptive father being night work and I crept into bed with my adoptive mother and put my arm around her and squeezing her tight and loving her, and her in the darkness of that night, her suddenly telling me to not do that, dont touch her.

Inside I collapsed, I lost some innocence that night, I lost the abilty to take for granted giving and recieving love from her. I became frozen and told myself in that long moment that I would never make that stupid mistake again.

My adoptive mother became someone you could see but never have. That moment that went from being filled with love for her and then being left abandoned in the coldness of yet another rejection have hung frozen within me. Yearning for something to take that coldness away and fill me with the warmth of love.

T sat and listened as I cried and remembered the pain of it all and knowing finally that not everyone in the world would reject me. This wasn't about me, it was about "her" my adoptive mother. But a child has no inner strenght to call on, to help her, to console her that shes ok, its not her fault, she has to die inside and go away somewhere.

Its painful remembering this moments, but its so worth it, it leaves you free to live in the today and not be stuck in yesterday.

Thank you T for showing me there are people in this world that can care.