it sure sounds like you were emotionally neglected as a child, even though it seems unintentional. your family doesn't seem to have had much happiness. that's really too bad. but it's not too late. i was emotionally neglected too in some ways but i have come to terms with it, and i have tried to fix it. it sounds mad but i would look in the mirror and say things to myself i wish i had heard from my carers;p i am hoping that if one does that enough, some of it might actually sink in and help to fill some of the voids. might not work but it also might. couldn't hurt to try and it might be very empowering. we all know what we need.

it doesn't help that covid and all this self-isolation is so stressful and depressing. what a year for you to turn 54! still, don't let that age hold you back. it's just a number.

i am glad you at least have your doggos.