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09:27 AM

Hi All,

I'm not doing too well after having a fabulous Spring and Summer to this point. I had a relationship upset. It was just an online relationship with a guy.

Anyways it turns out he was co-dependent as Zelig. It was either get hurt when he got overwhelmed and abandoned the relationship or waste my time and resources on a doomed relationship in which *i* would reject *him* for having no free will of his own.

So i broke it off. I'm 55 i can't waste any more time.

It's just astonished me how much it's hurting me to have hurt him because i REALLY CARED FOR HIM and the massive disappointment of finally having met someone interesting after a ten-year dry spell. Seems that the most interesting people are also so very unstable and i'm fragile myself.

He taught me all about art and micro-finance and i really learned a lot, so the relationship was a profit in those terms.

It's just really upset me and i'm back into the Clonazepam after being on a five month taper, 75% off it. I guess i'll have to try again in the future and declare a moratorium on new relationships while tapering. I'm very disappointed with myself but the rebound anxiety and insomnia were too much.

I've also given up on being vegan. It's too hard on-the-road. I was having tremendous troubles keeping my protein number up and with being so active i want to feed my muscles mucho and i think it's to late in life to take up cooking.

So, an omnivore i will be.

Being super active and losing weight because of it, not restricting seriously, just on-the-go and bathed in sweat and gasping for air as i ricochet around the city and have lost 16 pounds in ten weeks which my doctor says is a nice slow burn, boding well for a permanent weight loss. Have really got into salads and have got a Scoop lateral bicycle fitness trainer which is fabulous, i'm going to have buns of steel after a year on that thing!

I guess i was trying to make too many changes at once. Not sure if i will resume the benzo taper, have only backslid into Clonazepam twice now, so it's still salvageable. I've done all this work so far 3/4 off of my original dose, i'd hate to abandon it now.

Will perhaps just slow it down dramatically and cut back just to the basic activities of daily living for the rest of the year and start 2022 benzo-free! I only have one more commitment, an immersive experience in the art of Vincent Van Gogh and then i'm free to relax and do all familiar things, no new people and no new relationships and no new experiences.

I cancelled the birthday party i was throwing myself. That's the last thing i need.

Anyways, glad to be back with you all.

Hugs,

Jane.