I was struggling again this morning with anxiety and a sort of “flashback”. It’s not like a real flashback but I think feeling so upset yesterday sent me back to the beginning of the summer when I was out of control of my mind and it scared me. I was panicked thinking about the fact that I only have one month until school starts and I was telling myself I have to have my **** together or else I’ll be right back where I was. But I’m trying to be gentle with myself and reminding myself that I have come a long way in three months. Work is not a stressor for me, it’s actually quite the opposite. Most days I enjoy my time there and it distracts me from my own issues.

I am just worried about how I will handle anxiety and stress when I’m there. I have found that when I’m quite anxious I need to grab onto something to keep me in the here and now. Right now I use my unicorn but clearly I can’t bring a stuffed animal to work! I looked on Etsy and found some lavender scented stress balls filled with flaxseed so they have some weight to them. Those are portable and discreet. I ordered them, they weren’t expensive and it’s worth a shot.

I was planning to exercise today but of course I ended up with a headache from all the internal stress. I was also exhausted, I’ve only been taking 50mg seroquel at night and I think my body is adjusting to the lower dose. The lower dose is probably more sedating.

I was beating myself up tonight because dinner came out terrible. The pork was cooked in a crockpot but still came out super dry and gray, which wasn’t really appetizing. I made gravy from the juices to go with it to try to counteract the dryness so it was edible but I still feel bad. I put an incredible weight in my own shoulders about providing dinner, again From my childhood. I’m always convinced my boys won’t like it or beating myself up because it was “too simple”. This is ALL in my own mind, my boys have said numerous times they love my food.