I don't know who I am anymore but I hate the person I've become. I bend and conform to those around me, always wanting to fit in but in reality I've been alienating myself. People see right through it. Everyone but me. I have to be told everything. I can't figure out anything for myself, even the most obvious. I think that's why I sought this out...because I can't figure this out for myself. I hardly follow through with anything. I don't always get back to people or respond in a reasonable time. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. I do things in my time. Good or bad, right or wrong. I justify it to myself to make it okay when it's not. And everyone in my life pays for it. I've hardly spoken with my grandma, who I love dearly, in the last twenty years. She would tell me all of the time that she wished I called her more. I didn't. I am just now starting to as she turns 87 this year. I'm a selfish *********. It's been about me my whole life. I'm an only child and it shows. My mom would tell me that all of the time growing up. My parents would beg me to call more. I didn't. Maybe in the last year and a half I call every other week. My mom always talks first but the second I start going on about myself, she hands me off to my dad. I would feel hurt when she did this but now, finally, I get it. But why do I get it? Because my girlfriend of 10 1/2 years just broke up with me because she's been pointing stuff like that out to me for years and it's just now starting to click with me. When it's too late. The crap I've put her through mentally and emotionally. Even though she would tell me, it would just go in one ear and out the other. After a fight I thought i was trying to change. I really didn't. I would start thinking about things and justify in my head that it wasn't that bad when in reality I've put her through hell. I don't want her to leave but I've given her no reason to stay and it's my fault. A house full stuff and memories, animals, all of it will be gone and I have no one to blame but myself. I want to change but I keep falling back on bad habits and I have no explanation for why I do what I do. My whole life is one bad habit. I'm not looking for empathy. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm mad at myself and I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Zero friends. My girl is everything but I didn't show that. I'm going to be 40 this year, I have a bs degree that I'm not using, and a low level job. In a nutshell I'm a loser. I'm a mess.