As T and I continue to discuss the (most recent) rupture, I am taking greater and greater risks in the relationship--revealing to T thoughts I would have hidden only a few months ago, because they feel embarrassing or shameful.

The other day I told him that after the session when I cried so hard, I just "got rid of him." What I did was I imagined stuffing him into that great big toy bag the Grinch had when he stole Christmas from all the "Who's down in Whoville" He laughed. I also told him that I hated that he had the power to hurt me. He winced. He is emotionally with me on this I know but I think he is too quick to want to push past it because he feels a tad guilty about the rupture. In this I see his humanity, his personhood.

I called the evening after the session and we spoke briefly when he called back. I told him I wanted to take him out of the bag. He said "consider me out."

He also said that if I take him out of the bag I'm taking myself out of the bag. Funny, but I was able to understand this statement this morning but now I am confused about it once again.

Working through the pain of a most difficult relationship with my father.....

I think he is an awesome T. He's ethical, honest, and lets me see his "warts." Yeah, he's a keeper!